𝗦𝗮𝗻𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗳𝗶𝗲𝗱 𝗘𝗻𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝘁𝗼 𝗕𝗲 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗱 : 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗣𝗿𝗼𝗯𝗹𝗲𝗺 𝗜𝘀 𝗨𝘀𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗥𝗼𝗼𝗺

Some years ago there was a colleague I could not stand.

Nothing dramatic. He wasn't rude. He wasn't dishonest. But every time he spoke in a meeting something in me tightened. I told myself he was arrogant. I had the evidence lined up. I prayed about him, which is a polite way of saying I complained to God about him.

Then one day, mid-complaint, a question surfaced that I did not want: what exactly is he doing that you are not?

Nothing. He was confident. I was insecure. He wasn't the problem. He was the mirror.

That was the day I understood James 4:1.

"From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members?"

James does not say conflicts come from difficult people. He says they come from inside. From the unsettled things in our own members. The quarrel is rarely about the dishes, the deadline, the tone of the message. 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗾𝘂𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗲𝗹 𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗿𝗼𝗼𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗻𝗼𝗯𝗼𝗱𝘆 𝗵𝗮𝘀 𝗱𝗲𝗮𝗹𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵.

Here is the uncomfortable arithmetic. Every relationship has two people and at least one undealt-with thing. Your pride. Your fear of being overlooked. Your need to be right. Your old wound that makes you hear rejection where none was sent. These never stay private. They leak. And they always leak onto the person closest to you.

Which is why sanctification is not a private matter.

We think of holiness as something between me and God. But the people around you are the ones who live with the results. The unsanctified parts of you are precisely the parts that hurt your brother. So one of the most loving things you can do for the people in your life is to deal with yourself.

Jesus prayed it in one breath: "Sanctify them through thy truth… that they all may be one." John 17:17-21. Sanctification, then unity. He knew the second depends on the first.

And He gave the method: "First cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye." Matthew 7:5. First. The order is not optional. The man who skips his own beam cannot see his brother clearly, so everything he says about his brother is distorted by the wood in his own face.

𝗡𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗮𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲. This does not mean you are always the problem. Sometimes the other person really is wrong. But even then, how you respond is still yours. Your reaction is the part of the conflict you own, and it comes out of whatever is in you. "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh." Matthew 12:34

So before the next hard conversation, try the question that undid me:

What is this stirring in me, and is it his fault that it's there?

Sometimes the answer will clear him. Often it will clear the room.

The friendship you are about to lose may not need a new friend. It may need a more sanctified you.

#SanctifiedEnough #Faith #Relationships #Brotherhood